Cave Of Fear

It’s quite amazing how much time goes by when one does nothing.

I use the term figuratively of course – since I always find ways to fill my days with ‘somethings’. I just question the meaning and value of the things I occupy myself with.

None of these so-called things have included this project for one, and I’m disappointed in myself for having lost the momentum for a decent length of time. I haven’t written or recorded anything here at all this year, not due to a shortage of ideas or inspiration, but rather, a lack of focus.

I’ll woman-up enough to admit it: I lack discipline.

Perhaps it’s a symptom of having too many ideas, so many that I’ve entered into some kind of paralysis. It’s as though my mind, as active as it has been, has severed ties with my arms and my fingers; the lost signal preventing any tangible work from being achieved.

Sure, there is a multitude of factors I could blame for this lack of productivity, but it’s time now that I take responsibility.

Writing is hard. Creating anything thoughtful, meaningful or original is hard. Especially in a society and culture that doesn’t hero the process as much as the outcome.

And this is where I have greatly stumbled. I’ve allowed myself to place too much value on the outcome of things I want to create, that I haven’t embraced the process of creating. I haven’t approached my writing and ‘making’ with a grateful spirit, neglecting the real passion I have for these activities because I’m fixated on how they might turn out and what others might think of them.

In this I have realised the great many enemies of creativity: perfectionism, criticism, distraction and overwhelm – all various types of obstacles driven by worry and fear. All which inevitably result in procrastination, which is simply fear in disguise.

Today, by writing this, I am willing myself out of this cave of fear. I am choosing to look up and across the ditch where there is more colour and more confidence to envelope myself in. Perhaps, just by looking up and attempting the climb in the dark, I can build up little cells of self-belief that will eventually get me out and into the light.

Working on the hard things, just that tiny bit each day, is a meaningful ‘something’ that beats a consistent ‘nothing’.

I think I’m done with consistent nothings, I’m done with losing my days to randomness when there is so much joy to be found in the flow of intentional creative work.

Today and future todays, I will choose to do what I am meant to do.

“A day can really slip by when you’re deliberately avoiding what you’re supposed to do.”

Bill Watterson, There’s Treasure Everywhere